Camblog #10

I used to think of these Camblogs as form of narcissistic oversharing with the internet ( lowkey I still do sometimes), but recently I’ve come to be thankful for this space I am carving out for my truths. I’m capturing little snippets in time filled with concentrated emotion for me to return to in the future. I hope that future Aatqa will look back with a gaze of kindness for me.

Time is a funny funny thing. It expands and shrinks seemingly against any logic and beyond any control. At the moment I feel as though I am stuck in a time ‘quagmire’. Safe to say this term hasn’t been the one for my mental health- even more than the last and I didn’t even know that such lows could be reached. It has seemed that I’ve been attacked each of these 8 weeks with a new challenge, and honestly at this point I’m so exhausted. I’m tired of making new self realisations and managing things as they come. I just want to exist in the state I was in of April last year, where my only worries were the impending pandemic (lol) and improving at football practice with my dad. However, we can’t pick and choose our moments, we can only keeping going forward and continue to ‘be’- even when the ‘being’ is hard.

With how my mind works, and its tendency to abstract, I find myself falling into lines of questioning about life’s purpose, what am I doing? am I investing my energies correctly? will things get better? This leads me to religion- the ultimate question of purpose. I am thankful that these days it is acting as a form of comfort and that my connection to the Divine is tangible because I think the moments I struggle most is those when I feel abandoned on that front.

The final week of term is feeling like an endless black hole, with the singularity being the end of term exams that every cell in my body doesn’t want to think about, revise for, let alone sit. I’ve written this post, mostly to vent, but also to record these emotions, because I’m hopeful that one day this will look like a drop in the ocean. Until then all that is left to do is to grit my teeth and sit it out, prioritising my health and caring for myself first and foremost. I hope to return to the next post with more positivity, because I realise lately they have been slightly ( ok very) negative. But as I said this is my truth, and my corner of the internet and I extend my thanks to those who stick around to listen to it.

one final note: Little Simz has honestly had my back this term and her track Sherbet Sunset is really hitting different right now- just the beat switch at the end is so cold

I’ll just keep it real, truth won’t be concealed

Please don’t listen to this and ask me if I’m hurtin’ or if I’m okay

Allow me to be human and be in my feels

Chill, I’m good, I got it

I never lost it

Or am I just lying to myself to skip the topic?

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