The hectic part of term has well and truly commenced, and I’m back to feeling like there are not enough hours in the day or mitochondria in my cells. These posts have turned into externalisations of my brain waves, so indulge me ok .
I’ve really been grappling with a feeling of some sort of ‘academic hopelessness’ these days. That no matter how hard I work, I won’t be able to even reach the minimum standard to pass. It doesn’t sound like a constructive way to think, and from personal experiance I can tell you it isn’t. One of my course mates mentioned something in one of our seminars that stuck with me along the lines of the necessity of self belief. Being confident in my knowledge and ability is something I’m notoriously bad at, and an aspect about myself I want to improve. In the same seminar we were asked to reflect on what skills we wanted to develop before entering our roles as junior doctors, and I think this would be a key thing for me. Raveena posted a tweet recently that I am sincerely TRYING to embody- its a struggle but baby steps is all I can say for progress thus far:
Another thing that help put things into perspective for me was our GP placement today, which spurred me to write this post. We were interviewing a cancer patient, and when I tell you I felt all my emotions- it made me realise the bigger picture. Despite the fact I may struggling in my current circumstances, that I came in with a desire to interact with people- and no amount of memorising the intermediates of the Krebs cycle can make up for the desire to care for people in the best way my abilities will let me. I feel very cringy saying that, and to some it may sound like a fob off, but I think I need to be honest to myself and it really is the case.
I also feel quite guilty saying I am struggling because : a. I put myself into this situation, my parents probably would have been more happy for me to not to put myself through this course b. my ‘struggle’ is a privileged one in a pool of high achievers. I think ultimately I have to stick with the mantra I came into this university with: to stay in my own lane, do my best and ultimately be happy and look after myself. No tears will be shed for this degree, only for existential crises xoxo
Anyway I think this episode of uploaded my semi lucid thoughts on the internet is over- until next time!
oh wait, not till I share a Little Simz’ Morning w/ Swooping Duck, ‘Stillness and Wonderland’ comes at the right moment time and time again:
pressure makes diamonds we know this