I don’t read my previous Camblogs before writing new ones. Each time I feel like a new person, born out of scintillating new experiances. The person who started Cambridge at week one, is not the one sitting in front of the keyboard today. That is beautiful, the flux of existence.
So an update. It’s been pretty rocky. My college mum put it quite well ‘we both know you have skydived, bunjee jumped, and tornadoed (?) in such a short space of time’. It is the nature of any change- let alone moving to a new town, socialising beyond previous measure, being assailed with a never ending mound of work, and meeting new people to name a few- to rock the boat, and different people take it in their own ways. It is true than up till week two Mitski’s lyric ‘ wild women don’t get the blues but I find that lately I’ve been crying like a tall child’ summarised my experiences. Then week three was work work work. Week four has been the process of realising that my self, work and social life management skills are actually quite negligble and 1am nights for 4 solid weeks was never going to work.
Today I woke up and it really hit me that I’m… TIRED. Despite the fact I enjoy the work I’ve been set, supervisions on the weekends and an obsene amount of contact hours during the week has meant that I haven’t had a proper weekend for a while. That’s not good. So today was a self care day (minus the 3 hour clinical anatomy zoom session which we just won’t talk about). I stopped working at 2 and just… existed.
Lockdown 2.0 is starting from tomorrow so my friends and I made the most of the situation with takeout, a bollywood dance sesh, and a nice chai shai catch up. I haven’t had such a ‘free’ feeling since the first week. This evening I grew back into myself, surrounded by my desi friends jamming out like pro bollywood dancers in the old labs of the college which once housed the only chemistry lab in Cambridge which women could access. Worlds collide. How surreal is this place? I live in a room imbued with character, people have lived here before me, women with illustrious inner worlds who I’ll never meet physically but exist with me in some intangible way.
Neutrality. Positive and negative neutrality has defined my first few weeks here. Today it has felt like a reset button. I’m going to start afresh and be okay with just keeping my head above the water. I feel as if there is a need to cultivate an inner peace with not doing ‘everything’ here. You could theoretically ruminate over unfinished essays and lectures all day, but that would suffocate you and frankly I’m not about that life.
I’ve learnt alot about myself. How I relate to others. The types of relationships I want to cultivate, and the fact that expecting 110% from everyone I ‘adopt’ as a friend is not fair on them or me. I’m moving towards a direction of balance which I can’t quite fathom at the moment.
But in this moment I feel swaddled with love. Of friends and family- and self. It’s a moment I want to keep bubbled, emotions that I never want to forget. How sad it is that time must keep going on. Hello moon outside my window. I’ve missed you.
‘I don’t wanna go home yet let me walk to the top of the big night sky’Mitski- First Love/Late Spring