23:50 Thoughts

And so I’ll read a book

Or maybe two or three

I’ll add a few new paintings to my gallery

I’ll play guitar and knit

And cook and basically

Just wonder when will my life begin?

Tangled

Tangled is one of my favourite Disney movies, and this evening I found myself thinking about these lyrics. Alot has changed for me in the space of a few days, it feels like my life is beginning.

From a young age I’ve lived through my books. They were my first friends,constant compañeros . I don’t know how myself in my current state could exist if they didn’t. Sometimes I think I got ( and continue to get) too carried away, shirking studying or housework to read…anything. My secondary school experience was largely spent solo in the library- all my school librarians knew me well and at one point I actually was seriously considering becoming one as a career option.

People fatigued me. They never wanted to hear about what happened in Lauren St Johns latest installment in the Laura Marlin mysteries. It wasn’t that I wasn’t well liked, most times people thought I was so nice that they left me to do my thing I was respected but not cool, well known but solitary. To some it may sound sad but my best friends were book characters – Ingrid Levin-Hill, Ruby Redfort, Beauty Cookson. The thing is that I very rarely bemoaned my situation, to me it wasn’t sad it was just a fact of my being true to myself- I wasn’t going to change myself for anyone ( an idea which underpins my current philosophy). Yet I always did feel like an outcast, not part of a group rather just momentarily floating into others and bubbling out again without leaving a trace. I lived my life through books, and in retrospect I thing Rapunzel’s question was playing on my subconscious during my early years ‘when will my life begin?’- I couldn’t wait to grow up.

The events which have transpired over the past few days have set the wheels of my life in motion- a process which I think has been made more pronounced due to my hermetic quarantine existence. My life feels like it is beginning. I’m going to live in a new place, meet new people, study something immensely interesting. People actually want to talk to me about things I’m interested in. My reading is no longer solitary I have wonderful people to share ideas, quotes and resources with who don’t think I’m a weirdo- they find value in me, a value which I’ve spent years of hard graft cultivating internally. I am beyond grateful for those people- you make me feel like I exist and that my life is beginning.

I’ve been on an autobiography spree over the past few months and it has made me realise how important some real life people have been in allowing myself to precipitate. I’ve had a lot of time to think, and am probably to deep inside my own head for my own good at the moment. Since March I honestly feel as though I’ve been on a journey of self discovery: Kyo Maclear, Little Simz, Sakine Cansiz, Elif Safak, Assata Shakur, Audre Lorde – their monumental legacies have allowed me to understand my miniature universe and feel understood in a way that no person could ever offer me. I’m beginning to feel whole, as if I’m ready to share my truth with select people- friends and perhaps one day a lover. I’ve read books, more than two or three, and waited for my life. Now in an entirely cringe worthy way, I feel like the 14th of August opened the door of my life and I’m emerging onto a new frontier as a newly formed girl. There is a sense of nostalgia and apprehension, but largely I feel bathed in a light of warmth and euphoria.

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