I would say I am quite a confused individual at the best of times. So much of the world is confusing, shrouded in paradoxes that for those who see them are perplexing with regards to understanding how things work but also our place in the world. Since quarantine has started I have indulged my various confusions, some of which I’ve made public in this blog and in conversations with friends, others of which remain with me. I want to share a line of thought that has reoccurred repeatedly, creating something of an effervescent cloud, which today has condensed into a jumbled ball of string.
Love as I’ve know it has always seemed straight forward. Perhaps it is the English language and how those around me have used this word, which really has the potential to encapsulate such a breadth of feeling. The past two years, I’ve woken up to the complexities of the word, and it’s meaning – what I believe is a reservoir of female power if channeled and cultivated.
Today I was looking into Jineology, the Kurdish Freedom Movement’s attempt to recenter the social sciences from a feminist perspective, and one speaker pointed out the fact that womanhood and life are intrinsically linked to the point where jin- Kurdish for woman and jiyan- the word for life are from the same root ( the same is true in Farsi and probably other languages). Women hold the key to life in their anatomical and emotional make up. When I think about pregnancy ( which by the way is a big stride for me because pregnant women made me feel uncomfortable for the longest time), there really is no better way to describe the raw beauty of a woman’s connection with life. Pregnant women carry their child, hear and feel every heartbeat and kick, for nine months. They are so intimately close to creation, that it is no wonder they feel what is often termed as a ‘wave’ of love that takes a mother of her feet and allows her to provide for her child. This feeling is ‘love’, which is so far in the future I cannot even comprehend it- sometimes when I think to hard about it simultaneously frightens and awes me, that we have such capacity to be arrested with feeling.
In a conversation with a friend this week, he described what he felt as a wave he couldn’t fight when he has strong romantic feelings for people. This imagery of water is everywhere in all facets of life but I find it particularly interesting to think about in regards to love.
The point is, not to resist the flow. You go up when you’re supposed to go up and down when you’re supposed to go down. When you’re supposed to go up, find the highest tower and climb to the top. When you’re supposed to go down, find the deepest well and go down to the bottom. When there is no flow, stay still. If you resist the flow, everything dries up. If everything dries up, the world is darknessHaruki Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle
When considering romantic endeavors ( I must make a disclaimer I am really inexperienced and confused about this atm), this is advice I’m often given. If it will happen it will happen organically, you’ve just got to nudge it in the right direction. This baffles me and I don’t know if I will ever be able to get my head around the balancing act of the heart and mind in this regard. But what I do think is that my conception of love will continue to change as I grow older. At the moment it’s distance looms over me and the following lyric from Little Simz pretty much sums up my position:
It’s hard to talk about somethin’ that I don’t believe in
L-O-V-E, can you tell me what’s the meanin’? I been dreamin’Little Simz, Sherbet Sunset (me fave)
But love also manifests in our families. Unconditional love, which endures despite nerve grating and emotional scarring. Sisterhood, particularly among Muslim girls. All of these forces are revolutionary and in danger of being quashed by the fast paced, positivist capitalist world we inhabit. Love in all it’s complexity is a dynamic entity, and is the essence of revolution personal and societal.
As I end this brain dump, I would like to leave you with the song from one of my favorite artists which prompted me to get gutsy and write this post